It felt, last night, so familiar. Like I'd already witnessed the scale of everything. And, after I'd seen infinity (8) and I needed to pack my bag, while my mind drifted back, I said to myself, "yep infinite fragments within and from infinite fragments, yep the universe comprehending itself, etc etc that's all fine but I got a bag to pack yo so let's get on with that". Similar: the museum, an ocean of epiphany waves, then I'd see someone I fancies and pop! The spiral is gone and beauty remains, serenity +++ Deciding which reality to exist in, while I was taking my socks out of the basket id been keeping them in, sat facing the big cupboard at the foot of my bed. Alistair is asleep, and I'm making noise. What might be happening? Maybe he can hear, and he hates me for it, and I should hate myself too. Maybe. That's a reality I'm familiar with, it's a reality that makes sense to the person I've grown into being. But what are the other options? Then I hear Alistair snore and I realise, he can't hear me at all, this reality I've been sat here living in futile - no point to it, I can see its ancient purpose and I'm ready to discard and disregard that. So my reality shifted, the universe I was inhabiting ceased to be -- or at least, I stopped inhabiting it, which may as well be the same thing from where I'm sitting. And now I'm in a reality with less darkness. What are the other options? I recall the spectrum of lightness, could we go one step towards the light, to a reality where Alistair wouldn't care if I made noise -- that is, one where he wasn't phased either way? OK, now we're in that universe. What if we went to one where he was welcoming? And I'm like, hang on a sec! What if it was me, and I could sleep through the noise? Well, if I was woken up by a loud zipper, I'd be encouraging! Cause here's me, getting my bag ready the night before so the morning is easier, prepping in a way that feels the most adult as I've been for the whole trip... I'd say well done that lad! So I dunno. Maybe I could live in a reality where other people care as much as I do? (part 2: shutting the door on darkness) Thinking about the possible realities that Alistair has guided me through, ones where I am handsome and popular and weird-but-accepted, desired and needed, important and useful... Realities I've only glimpsed on reflections. Xx Giving me a bubble to go off and live in X Alistair said, he doesn't like to dive into oblivion. He prefers to stay in control. I said, I actually enjoy it. Pushing myself as far as I can go, even being open to letting go of my ego (the anchor that normally brings you back, but which also holds your fears and limits). I'll find my own way back to my ego, I could say, and if I can't, well fuck it, I'll just build a new one. You know, it probably makes you a bit mad, doing that. (<even more so if you were pushed). There's a big risk that u might take something back with you that your not comfortable or familiar with, and that's could be pretty damn scary! X Is it that I can see it, or that I can speak it? X Thorpe Park = granny was so happy and joyously fulfilled to see me >? Connecting with an external manifestation of myself (the dubstep track) that I could show was part of me. I felt the most raw and honest as I've felt in a very long time, in that moment. On the day of the museum, the last event we did (opposite of Thorpe Park, our first) I allowed myself to just be, and it was magical! I think they see me, and I think they see me for what I am, and what I'm doing when I journey into some intricate infinite unknown that theyve (/? ) peered at from the safety of the railings, perhaps wondering what its like over there, but the anchor of ego can't be let go It's probably like a muscle, isn't it? A learned thing which you can practise. As normal people practised being normal people, I wonder what I practised? X X
