Inattention can be described using my current situation, as I am writing this. My head feels swollen with data coming in, and I’m trying to process it as fast as I can. It’s not too tricky once I get into the right gear (using the metaphor of a car), since I then don’t need to use the other components of attention, and I enjoy writing. But when I forget a word, or need to refer to something else, or get distracted by the taste in my mouth or the pen on the desk or any random thoughts at all, it suddenly falls apart and I’m left trying to remember where I was just before I lost track. This happens all the time, throughout every aspect of my life, but it’s most frustrating when I have to keep asking people, mid conversation, what it was we were, or I was, talking about. It’s also difficult to handle when I’m trying to study, constantly fluttering off to someplace else and missing things said or seeming disinterested.
What’s interesting is that I can attend to things that I enjoy, like, as mentioned, writing. I can literally write for hours with enough water and inspiration. I used to stay up all night writing, just pouring out the things in my head. But contrary to the popular belief that this surely means that I am capable of doing it if I really try, all I’m doing is avoiding the system of attention. The analogy of a radio works best to explain this. When writing, I’m tuned into the ‘writing’ channel. While cooking, I’ll tune into the ‘cooking’ channel. For normal people, they can stay tuned in to whichever channel is necessary, but I can’t filter out other channels. This is where the theory of ‘hyperfocus’ comes in. To effectively tune into one station and ignore the others, a process which would come naturally to normal people, I’ll block out all the other stations. So, if someone else is cooking and a baby starts crying, they’ll slowly phase between the two stations, switching between them when it’s safe to do so, then switching back when the problem is resolved. To avoid acting on the immediate impulse of helping the crying baby (we’ll move to impulsiveness soon), I must stop any other stations altogether. This is hyperfocus, the ability to block out absolutely everything but one thing. This is why I could write all night: nothing else matters, nothing else exists, but the one thing I’m focused on. The filing at work is another example. I can spend hours filing (a process involving the re-ordering and filing of new materials). Momentum helps, interestingly, sustain focus. If I jiggle my leg or tap my finger or dance or have a steady beat I can think more clearly. When I stop, it’s like the windscreen of my thought train fogs over.
Hyperactivity:
I love to be on the go. Recently it’s been difficult, I’ve been quite low lately (with the split-up with Alison I’ve lost my best friend), but I’m still active. I give myself headaches sometimes. I can’t seem to help but run up or down stairs, jump off ledges, pace when I talk, or jiggle my limbs when forced to sit down. This is helpful though, because aside from the headaches I’m always up for it, always on the go, which has real perks when you’re a 21-year old guy. I can accomplish more in a shorter period of time, I’m physically quite fit considering I do no ‘real’ exercise, and I can dance all night, provided I’ve not been standing at work all day. I just get bored of going so slow all the time, so I like to run everywhere or walk as fast as I can to get to places quicker, and because the adrenalin is nice. Really though I simply can’t help it. My mind screams at me, faster! Go! Do! Now! Hyperactivity is the first symptom people think of when they hear ADHD.
Impulsiveness:
This ties in with the components if attention. There’s no filter to stop actions, just like thoughts, so I often find myself wondering what I’m doing halfway though doing it. This one time I went into Woolworths to see what posters they had. 20 minutes later, after I’d finished looking at the toys, I found myself imitating the JML machines and then, realising I’d forgotten why I came into the place in the first place, began to march out when I was distracted by the books. I was looking at them, thinking which ones would be good to cut up and put on my wall (that’s how I’ve decorated my place), when I remembered! I came in for posters, for my wall. So I went to find someone to ask for help finding them, knowing I’d get distracted otherwise, and found myself looking at all the varieties of Pick ‘N’ Mix. I got bored and went to leave, then remembered my mission just before I left, having been saved by the contemplation of why I was in town. This time I managed to ask someone, and they pointed me towards the back… where the CDs are. After spending 10 minutes looking at the DVDs, then the games, then the CDs, then finding, to my surprise, the posters next to them, I’d been in the shop for at least 45 minutes. I skimmed through the posters, which were all boring anyway, and marched right out, having taken in the information all that could be processed in one shop.
I’m impulsive in other ways, but this tale helps lead me into other aspects of ADHD. It can be incredibly draining being hyper and impulsive all the time, and the inattention can make you feel stupid and lazy. These feelings are no good for your self esteem. I always though I was dumb. I couldn’t understand why, despite the fact that people told me I was intelligent, I’d never put in the right amount of work, listen enough, or be so socially retarded. It didn’t occur that there was a reason, so I thought I must be defective. This still goes on, especially since I’m finding it so hard to get acceptance even now. My health studies teacher thinks I act differently for attention, and my doctor has only heard about the hyper side of me, so thinks I’m manic depressive. For me, it comes down to this: If I don’t have ADHD, everything about me that I haven’t fixed is there because I’m a fuck-up, just like I always thought.
There is more: because I’m taking in so much at one time, my memory tends to be appalling. However, I can remember strange details that others wouldn’t have necessarily picked up on, like the position of objects, because I pay so much attention to everything. And I don’t tend to get a lot of human behaviour, although I study it endlessly. Because I move faster, physically and mentally, I get though things faster than other people, and because I’ve had to be so introspective to develop myself to work at a normal standard, I know myself very well. I was thinking about this before I went to bed last night: I’ve got quite a bit to make up for, so I’ve had to work on becoming something great. I don’t mean to boast, but people really seem to like me. This is strange because I always felt socially inept. This is made stranger because people I’ve met lately who I knew a long time ago seem friendly, often respectful. I must have been better than I thought.
I’ve only recently come out of my shell. I used to be, or at least I thought I was, an introvert. But then I changed. I think I always was an extrovert, deep down inside. I always wanted to talk to people but tended to say weird and inappropriate things, sometimes people would laugh at me. I’m bored of writing this now.