There is a line in my life, dividing two parts: Before the family holiday in October of this year (2021), and after it.
My life has changed since that time. I came away a new person. The shift has been subtle: Simply put, I am now — to re-use an earlier phrase — a self-comforted person. [N1]
I came away from the holiday feeling accepted in a transformative way, right down to my roots; that is, who I am on the deepest possible level.
I saw myself in Cody, and Will. That was the mental jumping off point. I don’t yet have the words for it, it’s not something that’s easily put into words.
It’s like: Have you ever been struck by something remarkably beautiful, something that’s touched you on a profound level, and you’ve found yourself basking in a feeling that actually, everything’s going to be ok. It’s that kind of feeling. It’s wordless and total.
What I saw in those boys was a chance to restart. Not a full reset, like I’ve done before; I’ve worked hard on myself, in uncountable ways, and I am proud of the me that I’ve created, mostly following my own intuition as to what makes a good person, seeking guidance often but ultimately deciding on my own course. [N2, [N3]
No, this is something closer to an evolution. Keeping almost everything, only doing away with the rotten black roots that, until recently, I’d never been able to grab hold of.
I have a feeling now that there are some darknesses within us that are unreachable by our own will alone, and must be unplanted by other people.
(…)
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[N1: that’s an important point to return to: re-reading that entry]
[N2: I have always felt like a work-in-progress, but now, less so.]
[N3: Bee saying I decide how to make myself]