Here’s a timeline of a paranoid episode:
- It starts with the idea that someone is not who they seem.
- I try to move past it and ignore the feeling.
- I feel chilly and out of place & have heightened sense.
- My mind starts analysing the idea and finding ways to accept it.
- I doubt the idea but this is blocked by the question, “what if this really is sinister?”
- I try to balance dark thoughts with nice ones like “I’m sure it’s all fine”
- The good thoughts get doubted more than bad ones
- The question balloons into “what if *everything* is sinister”
- Links are formed with old memories (esp. ones I haven’t thought of recently) and new delusions about connections and other people “in on it” start to form
- Heightened sense makes all noises linked to paranoia, e.g., footsteps outside = someone’s monitoring, computer makes noise = bugged etc
- I seriously doubt my competence in everything + low self esteem memories come back
Eventually my mind calms down when my physiological state gets closer to baseline (see good things below).
Barriers + Triggers
I think the big question (“what if it’s not real”) is rooted in my experiences of being duped + used + hurt a lot.
For the heightened senses, I’m sensitive to sound at baseline and it makes sense that my brain would be trying to find more causal relationships, if this state is just my animal brain panicking
Good Things
This time it took ~20 mins to feel normal again + it wasn’t as bad 🙂
I have a big mental shift when I’m approaching baseline and I can think rationally, I remind myself that there are infinite possibilities in everything so thinking about bad ideas isn’t much different to thinking about good ones if they’re all theoretical. And I try to remember that good or bad vibes are both self propagating, like how music feels.
I’ve also started seeing the value in these experiences, like I’m getting insight into psychosis and difficult mental states. I’ve told myself I’ll write a book about them, I might not but this puts the difficult experiences into context and gives them a purpose.
And I feel pretty safe in myself atm and trust my judgement. I’m *very* worried about going back to work though.