US
- Drove over a rabbit and told me it was my fault. Was picking me up from a gf’s house because she was angry about me being out
- Burst into a coffee shop where I was hanging with friends after school. Shouting about how I didn’t tell her something. I was mortified. Excluding that ending, this is my favourite memory of that time, one of the only memories I have.
- After a big fight the guy said, I should take a walk then come back. She said, if I leave I won’t come back. I believed her. It’s a little thing but fed into this idea of a person she was creating
UK
- Said, I’m not your mum anymore. Was out more than in. Said it was time for her to be selfish.
- I wanted to play a song for her by Alicia Keys. Gave her headphones. I spoke so she got angry and started the song again.
- The whole Alan thing. He was a bully. He choked me cause I said he looked like a monkey. He treated mum like dirt. Said he watched golf on TV to annoy us.
- Rented a movie about a dog dying a few days after a family dog died, watched it at the first and only film night we had with a different family and ours
- That dog would bark endlessly which tormented everyone, we all hated it and she seemed to like that one more than any other dog
- Waited outside school to pick is up blasting “don’t cry out loud” from the car
What’s messed up is, there were some good parts. I do have good memories, they’re hazy but they exist. There aremight be more good memories than I realise. They’re also generally much earlier. When I became a teenager is when things went downhill.
She became spiteful. It’s like I had two mums, a nice one, and the one that wanted to hurt people.
- Said she perferred me depressed cause it was easier (I kind of get where she was coming from but still, messed up thing to say to your child)
- Getting her spit in my face while she screamed at me
- Holding her back as she tried to hit me
Edit: In hindsight, even the earliest memories are tainted, dripping with minor manipulations, coloured by her ugly need to control everything
UNI BREAK
- Was at little sister’s gym practise. Ugly seeing her there. Saw a fake pretend version talking to other kids, was creepily nice when she said bye as I left on my own, like actual wtf. She knew what she was doing and she knew that I knew what she was doing. Either she couldn’t break character to speak to me normally, or she was testing me. Total headfuck. Most of that time felt like a test, she’d be weird as if daring someone to speak up. Egging us on for a fight. (Just realised how often this happened, constantly baiting me).
- Sat in the active area, another mum was there, mine started talking to this other mum and started bragging to her about, her son (me) was at university even though I’m disabled – like, I just have ADHD, it’s not a big deal
- Had sister’s friends round, she told one of them “she may be your mum but I’m your other mum”, the kid looked genuinely confused like, who the hell is this woman
I forgot about the disabled thing. It was a blessing to her, I didn’t realise what she was doing when she talked to me about how disabled I was, until it clicked when she’d talk about how disabled my brother is (autism, very high functioning, weird in a good & normal way). About how, “Bob can’t do this and he can’t do this because he’s autistic”, hit home when Bob said these lines himself.
I remember thinking those lines about myself. A part of me still thinks, there are things I can’t do (make friends, think for myself) because “I’m disabled”.
She was so bad I stayed with my dad for the second uni break. It was a horrible time, it damaged our relationship so bad I don’t speak to to him now. Actually glad it happened though cause I saw who he is, who I’d allowed myself to get close to.
Both of them, don’t see people as they are. Semblance of normal humans but full of rage and hate and spite. They were both abused as kids, it’s not an excuse but maybe they were just too broken to get better. Really though, I don’t think they ever wanted to. Sometimes you can see an ember of their soul but you’re always, always, always wondering – is this real or a trap? You’re always playing their game.
BDAY VISIT
- Year or two ago. Saw her partner’s utter confusion at seeing the performance. She hadn’t seen this version of my mum and knew it was fake, couldn’t understand what was happening in this person she’d grown close to
I’m starting to see the patterns, like looking at a labyrinth with a birds eye view.
I want to explore the things I saw in her that still live in me. Like, turning on someone. What did she tell me I was?
- Selfish (the main one, many variations)
- Disabled
- Cruel
- Druggie
- Arsehole “like my dad”
She reinforced these ideas over and over.
By shaping us into bad people, she could validate her actions. If she could demonise us, her actions were OUR fault, not hers. And the more she hurt us, the more valid her actions became, because the more broken we were, the more she could point out how naturally broken and deserving of hate we were. All she was doing was proving what she already knew but nobody else did, like she was helping us, like it was a good and justified thing to be hurting us. She was the martyr for allowing herself to be hurt by us in service of something greater. I don’t think she ever believed this herself, it was just another way to hurt us, another way to “win”.
Aside: My dad did something similar quite a lot (he was abusive too, but overt). He had an idea of me and tried hard to force it upon me. A lot of people do it in a lot of different ways. The difference here is that it was always covert. Always a mind game. When I started to come out of it I could see how everything fit together, all the pieces on the board, all the bluffs and plays and traps and tricks. No wonder I’m so paranoid.
I’m angry now. I don’t like feeling this because I spent a very long time trying NOT to be angry, trying to forget all this stuff.
But I feel like now, unlike ever before, I’m starting to see a picture of the person she tried so hard to make – not a picture of who I actually am, but of who she told me I was. Because, it hurts to admit this, but that person she made is inside me. She was successful.
Not completely though. I don’t hate myself anymore, and I don’t see myself as a victim. I always thought I had to learn how to fight back, but I realise now that doing that means you’re still playing. Now I’m just not part of the game.
Misc Notes
Everything was so serious all the time.
Taught to doubt my own mind. This left me naive and defenseless. A lot of very bad things happened, but miraculously, a few good things saved me from them. I made it out alive, but only just.
Insights
- Everything was about her. Birthdays were anxious times because they had to be done in the order she wanted. Same with Christmas – I’m sure we were happy and free early on. But the Chistmas times I really remember were tense and full of “Excuse me! Did I say you could…”
Understanding more about this whole thing over time, I think it got worse as we got older because there was less she could control, and she certainly wasn’t in control of herself. She got desperate. I think it never registered for her that people grow up and make their own way (and you’re not supposed to hate them for it).
It explains the constant animals – they too started nice, we had one dog, two at the most for a long while. Then more and more. She collected dogs like she collected other people’s children.
She had to feel like she controlled something and was loved unconditionally. But I think we would have loved her, more than she ever thought we could. We could have been a nice family. But she pushed us too far and treated us too badly. Every time she shouted or belittled or dared us to speak up about something we all knew was wrong, she was pushing herself away from what she really wanted.
Deep down, so far down that she forgot, there’s a flickering flame that motivates all of this, the need we all have to be loved, to care for others, and to be cared for. I guess she never learned how to stoke it herself. When the things she used to keep it burning started to move away, she panicked, lashed out, became ferocious… and eventually, completely lost sight of what she was doing. Which was abusing her own children.